Thank you, Nikky B., Boca Raton, FL, for your review of Plymouth Rock in Plymouth, MA. For those like me, whose only memories of Elementary School are favorite teachers and recess, here's the Google AI overview of Plymouth Rock (so sorry). I share this only to show that Plymouth Rock is just a symbol of the beginning of American colonization and not literally a giant rock that indicated they'd hit land - which is what I'd thought, if I thought about it at all. There's nothing

In honor of today's announcement that Cole's French Dip in Downtown Los Angeles will reopen (!!!!!!), I would like to thank you, Justin M., Los Angeles, CA, for your review of Cole's French Dip in Downtown Los Angeles, CA... or at least for the portion of your review before you should have stopped. After that, I fell asleep. (Readers, please do not feel obligated to read the entire review. It is not necessary to follow what I have to say below.) For those who don't know, TLDR

Thank you, Rhea P., Montgomery, AL, for your review of the American Association for Nude Recreation in Kissimmee, FL. And thank you for this, which you attached for some reason, despite not being a member or in this photo. Why yes, of course, we have all wanted to check out the American Association for Nude Recreation to see what kind of merchandise they offer. You're so funny trying to make it seem like you were just popping in on a whim. Below is the Google Maps street view

Thank you, Joe H., Oceanside, NY, for your review of Citi Field, baseball stadium and home of the Mets, in Queens, NY. Recently, I worked a catering event, and at one point I found myself sandwiched between two dudes at the water station. We stood there in silence as ice-cold water trickled into our jugs at an incredibly slow pace until I asked them, "Is this what it's like at the urinal?" They replied, "Kinda, yeah." Didn't feel that gay to me. Assuming you've been in other

Thank you, Chris Y., Los Angeles, CA, for your review of a Starbucks in the Los Feliz neighborhood of Los Angeles, CA. First thought that pops into my head: Um, this is weird. I agree that different Starbucks locations have different energies; I would certainly prefer a Los Feliz spot to one on Hollywood and Vine or in Times Square, where they probably no longer let customers use the bathroom due to the flagrant abuse they've experienced in the past, but to review any Starbuc

Thank you, Chubby H. (Is that really your name? lol), Newport Beach, CA, for your review of the vegan/plant-based restaurant, Cafe Gratitude, in Los Angeles, CA. Listen, listen, listen. I did not know that you could throw up from a nut allergy until I googled it five seconds ago - I thought it was just hives and anaphylaxis - so right off the bat, I assumed you were lying. I can admit when I'm wrong sometimes - sometimes - and in this situation I was wrong. Before I continue,

Thank you, Susan C., New York, NY, for your review of the Amsterdam Cheese Museum in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. And thank you, Kat T., Louisville, KY, for your review of the Amsterdam Cheese Museum. I've said a lot of not-so-kind things about puns and people who abuse them, but, geez, can we guess who I'd rather be stuck talking to at a party? Way to take a cool idea - a museum dedicated to one of my top five reasons for living - and make it sound terrible. Were you really s

Thank you, Priscilla M., Los Angeles, CA, for your review of Osa Rooftop in Pasadena, CA. I'm trying to work on my swearing because my son is learning to talk, and my mother keeps joking that one of his first words will be "fuck." Luckily, he can't read, so I'll begin with one giant FUCK YOU. Is it your first day on earth? Your friend "just" wanted to give her mom - I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. She "just" what?! Thinks that common decency doesn't apply to her? Don't go out to eat if

Last week, I mixed things up a bit and reviewed a review of a book I'd recently read. Before we move on from this brief excursion, I'd like to share an Instagram account I discovered called sobaditsgoodreads. It's a collection of one-star reviews of books on Goodreads presented without comment, and it has given me a lot of joy. Check it out. Now, back to business: Thank you, Nurple P., Green Bay, WI, for your review of Funset Boulevard, a family-friendly arcade in Appleton, W

Thank you, sara (rinezha's version), for your Goodreads review of Tough Guy by Rachel Reid, the third book in the gay hockey series, Game Changers, which inspired the steamy Canadian television show, Heated Rivalry. Which I loved. This book, however, I hated. Too bad I'm sucked into the cult-like fandom of these fictional gay hockey players, because I will be reading the subsequent books in this series, despite reading nearly this entire book with a grimace. Aside from the bi

Thank you, Amy B., Ventura, CA, for your review of Trader Joe's in Templeton, CA. This might be the most relatable review I've ever read. It's really more an indictment of the local community than Trader Joe's (although that parking lot rant is VERY real). Still, I think Trader Joe wouldn't mind you slandering his name with a one-star review to complain about this justifiably irritating situation. We're always told to respect our elders, but what is often forgotten is that ju

Thank you, Katelynn P., Milwaukee, WI, for your review of Hometown Pub in Kimberly, WI. This review = Lol. You sound messy, and I am here for it. What a commitment to drinking! I would expect no less from someone named Katelynn with TWO n's. Truly, what better testament to the quality of this bar than the fact that you still love it after getting a concussion there? Although I am left a little disappointed by the lack of backstory about the night (or day) of the incident. The

Thank you, Monica C., Palmyra, NJ, for your review of Wilson's Restaurant & Live Music in Hi-Nella, NJ. So, you began with "Let me just say One thing" and then went on to say at least twelve other things. That's no way to gain a reader's trust. We just met, and you immediately lied to me. Not a good start, Monica. Then, you raved about everything except for the shrimp and the added gratuity (I'll get to that in a second), yet you only gave them three stars. WHAT MORE DO YOU N

Thank you, Tiffany M., Beverly Hills, CA, for your review(s) of Yellowstone National Park. By chance, were you doing laundry on October 15th, 2009? It's been a while, but I really need you to think back. To me, this is the only logical explanation for your train of thought. While your clothes were in the dryer, you sat down at your computer to write a mostly positive, yet vague review of Yellowstone National Park. You didn't have all the time in the world, so you saved yourse

Thank you, Aaron J., Pasadena, CA, for your review of Hippo in Highland Park, CA. You think seven ravioli as a restaurant entree is too few?! Okay, Mr. Rockefeller, not everyone grew up rich. By the look of your attachment, a weird screenshot of the photo you're trying to crop... ... where you measure the to-go container with a 30 ft industrial-strength measuring tape, the ravioli actually looks pretty generous in size for restaurant ravioli. Here's the thing: I'm not saying

Thank you, John K., Lecanto, FL, for your review of Skyline Caverns in Front Royal, VA. And thank you, A A., Miami, FL, for your review of Fox Bros BBQ in Atlanta, GA. Let's pretend you're both in detention. I'm the principal of this school (or, more likely, whatever teacher got stuck working after hours), and I'm standing at the front of the classroom holding a large ruler, which I tap quickly up and down into the palm of my other hand. Suddenly, I stop, and after a moment o

Most evenings, there's a 30-45 minute period after my son has gone to sleep when I have the energy to watch a little bit of television before falling asleep myself. Recently, my husband and I spent this time watching an episode of Widow's Bay, a comedy horror on Apple TV. In this particular episode, Patricia, the lonely, socially awkward assistant, settles down to enjoy her much-awaited take-out dinner with a glass (or two) of red wine when she discovers the order is complete

Thank you, D B., Medford, MA for your review of Met Him At A Bar in Los Angeles, CA. Your review starts out great! "Your only job is pasta" is a pretty funny hook in reviewing a pasta bar. After that, I began to lose interest because you started complaining about things that I don't find important. In fact, I love overcooked pasta. No al dente, only alle gengive (to the gums - not an expression, but whatevs) for me! I would take your complaints about the server more seriously

Thank you, Babbs M., Chicopee, MA for your review of Froggy's Saloon in Westfield, MA. First impression... Wow. Honestly, I'm almost too stunned to say much of anything. The imagery is spectacular. It reminds me of watching Frasier trying to imagine what Niles' wife, Maris (a character we never actually see), looks like based on others' descriptions. If AI weren't destroying the planet, I'd love to see the image it comes up with. "Her breath carried the whisper of a cadavers

Thank you, Robbie C., Austin, TX for your review of Reel Cajun Adventures in Cut Off, LA. Well, *sniff* I was hoping not to cry today, but NEVERMIND. What a beautiful experience you got to share with three generations of your family... and Capt. Roger. This review speaks very highly of the business, and if you ever get divorced, you've got the perfect stereotypical "man holding a fish" dating profile pic. Win-win. Five out of five stars. See you next Tuesday.