Thank you, Priscilla M., Los Angeles, CA, for your review of Osa Rooftop in Pasadena, CA. I'm trying to work on my swearing because my son is learning to talk, and my mother keeps joking that one of his first words will be "fuck." Luckily, he can't read, so I'll begin with one giant FUCK YOU. Is it your first day on earth? Your friend "just" wanted to give her mom - I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. She "just" what?! Thinks that common decency doesn't apply to her? Don't go out to eat if

Last week, I mixed things up a bit and reviewed a review of a book I'd recently read. Before we move on from this brief excursion, I'd like to share an Instagram account I discovered called sobaditsgoodreads. It's a collection of one-star reviews of books on Goodreads presented without comment, and it has given me a lot of joy. Check it out. Now, back to business: Thank you, Nurple P., Green Bay, WI, for your review of Funset Boulevard, a family-friendly arcade in Appleton, W

Thank you, sara (rinezha's version), for your Goodreads review of Tough Guy by Rachel Reid, the third book in the gay hockey series, Game Changers, which inspired the steamy Canadian television show, Heated Rivalry. Which I loved. This book, however, I hated. Too bad I'm sucked into the cult-like fandom of these fictional gay hockey players, because I will be reading the subsequent books in this series, despite reading nearly this entire book with a grimace. Aside from the bi

Thank you, Amy B., Ventura, CA, for your review of Trader Joe's in Templeton, CA. This might be the most relatable review I've ever read. It's really more an indictment of the local community than Trader Joe's (although that parking lot rant is VERY real). Still, I think Trader Joe wouldn't mind you slandering his name with a one-star review to complain about this justifiably irritating situation. We're always told to respect our elders, but what is often forgotten is that ju

Thank you, Katelynn P., Milwaukee, WI, for your review of Hometown Pub in Kimberly, WI. This review = Lol. You sound messy, and I am here for it. What a commitment to drinking! I would expect no less from someone named Katelynn with TWO n's. Truly, what better testament to the quality of this bar than the fact that you still love it after getting a concussion there? Although I am left a little disappointed by the lack of backstory about the night (or day) of the incident. The

Thank you, Monica C., Palmyra, NJ, for your review of Wilson's Restaurant & Live Music in Hi-Nella, NJ. So, you began with "Let me just say One thing" and then went on to say at least twelve other things. That's no way to gain a reader's trust. We just met, and you immediately lied to me. Not a good start, Monica. Then, you raved about everything except for the shrimp and the added gratuity (I'll get to that in a second), yet you only gave them three stars. WHAT MORE DO YOU N

Thank you, Tiffany M., Beverly Hills, CA, for your review(s) of Yellowstone National Park. By chance, were you doing laundry on October 15th, 2009? It's been a while, but I really need you to think back. To me, this is the only logical explanation for your train of thought. While your clothes were in the dryer, you sat down at your computer to write a mostly positive, yet vague review of Yellowstone National Park. You didn't have all the time in the world, so you saved yourse

Thank you, Aaron J., Pasadena, CA, for your review of Hippo in Highland Park, CA. You think seven ravioli as a restaurant entree is too few?! Okay, Mr. Rockefeller, not everyone grew up rich. By the look of your attachment, a weird screenshot of the photo you're trying to crop... ... where you measure the to-go container with a 30 ft industrial-strength measuring tape, the ravioli actually looks pretty generous in size for restaurant ravioli. Here's the thing: I'm not saying

Thank you, John K., Lecanto, FL, for your review of Skyline Caverns in Front Royal, VA. And thank you, A A., Miami, FL, for your review of Fox Bros BBQ in Atlanta, GA. Let's pretend you're both in detention. I'm the principal of this school (or, more likely, whatever teacher got stuck working after hours), and I'm standing at the front of the classroom holding a large ruler, which I tap quickly up and down into the palm of my other hand. Suddenly, I stop, and after a moment o

Most evenings, there's a 30-45 minute period after my son has gone to sleep when I have the energy to watch a little bit of television before falling asleep myself. Recently, my husband and I spent this time watching an episode of Widow's Bay, a comedy horror on Apple TV. In this particular episode, Patricia, the lonely, socially awkward assistant, settles down to enjoy her much-awaited take-out dinner with a glass (or two) of red wine when she discovers the order is complete

Thank you, D B., Medford, MA for your review of Met Him At A Bar in Los Angeles, CA. Your review starts out great! "Your only job is pasta" is a pretty funny hook in reviewing a pasta bar. After that, I began to lose interest because you started complaining about things that I don't find important. In fact, I love overcooked pasta. No al dente, only alle gengive (to the gums - not an expression, but whatevs) for me! I would take your complaints about the server more seriously

Thank you, Babbs M., Chicopee, MA for your review of Froggy's Saloon in Westfield, MA. First impression... Wow. Honestly, I'm almost too stunned to say much of anything. The imagery is spectacular. It reminds me of watching Frasier trying to imagine what Niles' wife, Maris (a character we never actually see), looks like based on others' descriptions. If AI weren't destroying the planet, I'd love to see the image it comes up with. "Her breath carried the whisper of a cadavers

Thank you, Robbie C., Austin, TX for your review of Reel Cajun Adventures in Cut Off, LA. Well, *sniff* I was hoping not to cry today, but NEVERMIND. What a beautiful experience you got to share with three generations of your family... and Capt. Roger. This review speaks very highly of the business, and if you ever get divorced, you've got the perfect stereotypical "man holding a fish" dating profile pic. Win-win. Five out of five stars. See you next Tuesday.

Thank you, James M., Niles, MI for your review of Good Anuff Pub in Niles, MI. And... Thank you, Jake H., Niles, MI for your review of Good Anuff Pub in Niles, MI. It is the year 2026. Have we learned nothing about supporting women? Especially women in small businesses? It does sound like the quality of this place has gone down significantly, but geez, you guys! Way to kick a woman while she's down. Both of you have acknowledged the likely cause of the diminishing integrity o

Thank you, Jay C., Elkhart, IN for your review of Jesuits Paranormal serving the Elkhart area. Is this business what I think it is, one might ask? The answer is yes. So, that's something! While I'm glad you had a good experience, Jay, I'm going to need more information. Any bit of specificity would help. What exactly did they do? This isn't like needing your carpet shampooed or your house fumigated for termites. There's no standard of conduct for this sort of thing. Or is the

Imagine it's Christmas morning 2025. You've been allowed to sleep in as long as you want, and you have no chores or responsibilities all day. It's raining outside, and you get to snuggle up on the couch with your dog, Sabi. But your name is Gwyny P., of Altadena, CA, and you are blind with rage about an experience at In-N-Out in Pasadena, CA that happened two weeks ago. This isn't really my joke. I stole it from this meme, but it works, doesn't it? Blind with rage... over a

Thank you, Jack R., Los Angeles, CA for your review of L'Ermitage Beverly Hills, a luxury hotel in Beverly Hills, CA. My son is entering week two of a stomach virus, so I'll make this quick; there's poop everywhere. OH MY GOD! NO LIMES?! No LIMES?! No limes!?! How on earth did you manage? I hope you've sought therapy for this unimaginable trauma. I love reading reviews like this from the before times, specifically late 2019. Here you are complaining about bar fruit when there

Lately, I've changed my outlook on those Yelp Elites out there. I figure if you're going to do something as lame as reviewing every single place you go, you might as well be the "best" at it, and take advantage of all the free crap/events they plan for you guys. BUT... (You knew there'd be a "but") Look at this review. DON'T read it; I didn't. I couldn't! Just look at it. All trillion words of it. All trillion words describing Fuyme J.'s experience of the Warner Bros. Studio

Thank you, L K., Los Angeles, CA for your review of Hail Mary Pizza in Los Angeles, CA. Quite honestly, this was pretty boring to read, so why would I choose this as a review to review, you ask? Well, this is one of the situations where I thought, there has got to be more to the story. Lo and behold, there is! YASSSSS, JEFF!!!! This is how it's done! Create those boundaries, QUEEN! I'm willing to bet that every establishment has at least one set of customers who consistently

Thank you, Susan S., Oak Ridge, TN for your review of Great Clips in Sevierville, TN. Long ago, I broke my hand, and it never occurred to me to get my hair professionally washed. Though it sure would have saved me tons of Saran Wrap, plastic bags, rubber bands, time, and dignity. My thoughts on the hair-washing part of a haircut are complicated. It's arguably the best part, but it's a little too intimate to be done in public by a stranger, ya know? If you close your eyes, ar