They Walk Among Us

Thank you, Chris Y., Los Angeles, CA, for your review of a Starbucks in the Los Feliz neighborhood of Los Angeles, CA.

First thought that pops into my head: Um, this is weird.

I agree that different Starbucks locations have different energies; I would certainly prefer a Los Feliz spot to one on Hollywood and Vine or in Times Square, where they probably no longer let customers use the bathroom due to the flagrant abuse they've experienced in the past, but to review any Starbucks with such enthusiasm feels odd. Starbucks, like cockroaches, will be the only things to survive the apocalypse, and so it seems futile to share one's opinion about them.

My second thought is that this sounds like someone/thing pretending to be a human. There's the obvious possibility that your account is a "bot," but I find that boring. Though, just to be sure, I did some looking into your profile. I don't think bots have multiple profile pics of the same person over the years, which you do, so in my opinion, not a bot.

I have this theory about multiple animals, as well as Tilda Swinton and Mark Zuckerberg, and I think it's the case with you as well:

You are an alien...

...masquerading as a human being.

Recently, President Barack Obama stated on a podcast that they are in fact real, and while there's no way for me to prove this completely, I feel like I can provide enough evidence that it doesn't seem that far-fetched.

Last month, I rewatched the 1993 sci-fi comedy film, Coneheads, starring Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin, about husband-and-wife aliens who find themselves stranded on Earth after a recon mission goes awry. Their home planet cannot rescue them for "seven zurls," which seems to be roughly 18 years, so they assimilate. Or at least try to.

They adopt the very American habit of "consuming mass quantities," which, to them, looks like shoveling a giant stack of waffles in their mouths at the speed of Nathan's Hot Dog-Eating Contest champion, Joey Chestnut. Mr. Conehead takes up smoking only to light up the entire pack in his mouth using a blowtorch. In one of my favorite scenes, Mrs. Conehead goes grocery shopping where she sees a pile of large purple eggplants. She screams, thinking they resemble infant Coneheads, only to realize that this is ridiculous, and laugh it off.

In equally bizarre fashion, you, Chris Y., have left a five-star review of Norm's in West Hollywood, CA at least once a month, every month since March of 2024. It's crazy enough to go as often as you do, but why are you writing so many reviews? Because you probably heard that a human activity is to eat food at a restaurant and subsequently post reviews about it on Yelp. What you don't understand is that you don't need to review it every single time that you visit.

Cheesecake for breakfast? A guilty pleasure that would send an actual human's blood sugar soaring, but you are just fine. You must have also heard that humans love rewards programs. We do, but like, to the grocery store and sushi happy hour. No human is aware of Norm's rewards. "Easy ways to keep track of food with technology" is so close to a sentence a real live human would say, but just not quite. "Technology." Sure, you've heard of it. Wink wink.

There you go using that word "technology" again! It's becoming more and more apparent that you are not quite sure what it means. And of course every real live human on a diet eats strictly protein and breakfast, oh yeah, and an entire pizza.

As if ordering two shots of espresso with whipped cream (something no human has ever ordered) wasn't proof enough, or the fact that you envied the employees at Starbucks (no human actually wants to work at Starbucks), or that you wrote the sentence "eye-opening wonderful hump day experience" (no human has ever strung these words together), I show you this review (of Norm's, obviously).

No human likes Pepsi.

The evidence is all here, but I don't know what we do with it.

I'm sure Norm's is incredibly grateful for all the press PR you're giving them. In terms of pulling it off as a human, though, I have some notes. For starters, check out places besides Norm's. It's probably good; they've been open since 1949, but this is LA, and there are a lot of other culinary experiences to be had.

Next thing: pretend like you have a job. Most people don't want to or have time to hang out at Starbucks just because they suddenly like the vibe. You and all of your alien friends are probably why people think nobody works here.

Lastly, you need to eat better. I don't know how alien systems process food, but trying everything on a diner menu can't be good for your organs.

One more thing. It's a very human impulse to ignore punctuation altogether, but this is one situation where I would break the mold.

Three out of five stars.

See you next Tuesday.