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Ducks in a Row

  • Lil
  • Apr 29
  • 2 min read

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Thank you, CRUISING DUCKS IN A ROW, for your review of JOYIN 60 Pcs Rubber Ducks, Random Assortment Jeep Ducks Bulk, with Mesh Carry Bag, Mini Rubber Duckies for Toddler Baby Bath Toys, Kids Bath Pool Toys Birthday Gifts Party Favors. 


Firstly, I have some questions:


  1. Thousands of ducks?!

  2. A month?

  3. Thousands?

  4. Why?

  5. What do you do for work that you can pay for thousands of ducks a month?

  6. Plastic ducks?

  7. Thousands? 


Secondly, here are the only situations I can imagine you would need thousands of ducks:


  1. You’re turning your home into one giant ball pit like the ones they have at Ikea or pre-millenium McDonald's, except you’re using plastic ducks. Even with thousands every month, the project is taking years. You hope to finish before you die. 

  2. You run an orphanage full of small British children who make money working as chimney sweeps. They often return from a long day very sooty, all needing a bath. You provide ducks as a distraction from all the child labor laws you're breaking.

  3. You belong to a cult in which ducks are currency. Duplicates decrease the value of the ducks significantly, hence the anger and frustration in your review. 


Thirdly, after some research/reevaluation, here are the actual options for why you might need so many ducks (even though those listed above are the only realistic ones to me): 


  1. You’re Canadian. Full stop. Kidding. Apparently, during the pandemic, someone in Canada started a viral trend called “Duck Duck Jeep” where you leave a small rubber duck with a nice note on someone’s Jeep as a way to spread kindness. It became a type of “pay it forward” situation. Very Canadian.

  2. You’re planning on using them for a baby shower game. This is why I bought these ducks. I hosted one back in October and hid all 60 ducks in and around my house. Adults and children competed to the death for the most ducks to win the prize of a medium-priced bottle of chilled red wine. We never did find them all, UNTIL! Over two months later, I was finally doing some weeding in my garden and whaddya know? DUCK! 



ree

  1. You’re weird. Like a Disney adult or this woman who used to work at Family Circle where my mom (an illustrator) often dropped off work, who had a huge collection of pig figurines in her office. Probably an actual thousand pigs. Her name might have been Diane… doesn’t matter, but this was her “thing."


I know I should trust you, CRUISING DUCKS IN A ROW, as you’re obviously some kind of plastic duck connoisseur, but I think your duck standards might just be too high. If I understood why you needed SO MANY DUCKS, then maybe I could see why it's so upsetting that these are "the absolutely worst ducks [you] have ever received."


One out of five stars.


See you next Tuesday.

 
 
 

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