Chicken or Egg?

Thank you, Cassie H., Tallahassee, FL for your review of Maple Street Biscuit Company in Tallahassee, FL. 

After reading this, I have a bit of a grimace, but we’ll get to that in a second because, girl, we need to talk. You’ve said very little (specifically about the biscuit shop) and so very much (specifically about yourself.)

I’m not a love guru, but I sense a mutual lack of respect in your relationship.

You’ve taken to Yelp to complain about what appears to be a maple syrup issue, but deep down, I think it's an issue of resentment. Is your boyfriend perpetually late because of the ease with which you dismiss his wants or desires (forcing him to switch sandwiches with you because “he doesn’t care”), or are you dismissive of his wants and desires because he is perpetually late (which is a blatant disregard of your time)? A classic chicken-or-egg scenario! 

This was written nearly a decade ago. I hope by now you’ve addressed your issues and broken up or used it as the start to creating a healthier relationship. Given that this is Florida, I’m guessing you’ve continued business as usual, had children, maybe gotten married, and done the hard work of repressing your feelings. Ignorance is bliss, they say! 

Now to the maple syrup…

No matter how hungry I am, I do not like eating in the car, especially when something is messy, but I understand… desperate times. In a stable environment, a biscuit covered in maple syrup sounds like a dream. Your description is not only confusing due to a lack of structure/punctuation - Florida is nowhere near number one in education - but gross. What I think you meant to say was:

I liked the maple bacon chicken biscuit, but due to stickiness, I hated how the entire thing was completely smothered in maple syrup. Afterwards, I felt like some sort of brutal gynecologist who doesn’t use gloves. 

(That’s the best I could do)

The way it’s phrased now makes it sound like the brutal gynecologist doesn’t use gloves because of the stickiness. Hence the grimace. 

I shouldn’t have to say this - but again, Florida (also not number one in women's healthcare) - if your vaginal fluid (sorry) is anything close to the consistency of maple syrup, you should see a real gynecologist. Maybe even go to the ER. 

Cassie H., know that from time to time, I’ll think about you and wonder what your life looks like. Are you still alive, or was your maple syrupy “stuff” a sign of a much, much larger problem? For now, I’m going to give you two out of five stars for your review. 

P.S. Last week, I was doing a crossword puzzle with the clue, “The number of times Portugal has won the World Cup,” and the answer was “none.” It made me laugh out loud because it felt like such a low blow to Portugal. Obviously, the crossword creator thought it was necessary to write such a pointed clue for such a general answer, because (maybe) they thought Portugal deserved it. So, if you’re at all upset about the amount of times I shit on Florida in this review, think about that. Sometimes they deserve it.

See you next Tuesday.