A Little Self-Reflection

It is now 2025 and in my last post I talked a little bit about self-reflection so I figured we’d start the year by reviewing the one and only Yelp review I’ve ever written. 

Rubs hands together

Cracks knuckles

Lights a cigarette 

Here we go:

Thank you, Lil, Manhattan, NY for your review of The Reiki Table in Venice, California.

No one makes me cringe more than past me on the internet. My first note (specifically for myself) is based on the sentence, “I travel from coast to coast several times a year and am constantly looking for some sort of relief and relaxation during those times.” Oh, what? You’re some super important businesswoman who is so busy she just has to travel constantly between the two largest cities in the United States. She must be so tired from being so important she must have/do/find (not sure what I’m supposed to say here) some reiki. Give me a break. You were going to visit your Grandparents.

Anyway…

A lesson for 2025 is to trust no one. Rereading this, I see it is very clear that Nickol and I are friends and that I have, to this day, never actually done/experienced/received (still unclear about this) reiki and was writing this review to help her succeed. Nickol deserves all the praise in the world. Everything I said about her exuding a calming energy is completely true and I imagine she is excellent at reiki; whatever it may be. I also suspect a significant portion of five-star reviews might be bullshit, just like mine. 

Businesses can do well on Yelp in the same way that popular people do better on call-in shows like American Idol, rich kids “get into” Ivy League universities, and people with famous relatives just happen to also be famous. If we care about our friends and want them to do well we need to stop laying it on so thick. The reviews need to be believable. LIE. We need to lie. 

It’s all in the details.

When I was eight my mom, Grandparents and I went to see Triumph of Love, a Broadway musical partly based on Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, starring F. Murray Abraham, Betty Buckley, Christopher Sieber, Roger Bart, and Susan Egan (who originated the role of Belle in Beauty and the Beast which we did not see.) Apparently, the reviews were pretty rough but I loved it. Especially Susan Egan. I thought she was so lovely and talented and that we looked alike (we did not) that I started telling my friends at recess that she was my (significantly) older sister. I desperately wanted a sibling (Spoiler alert! I remain an only child) so, I would lie about having one. That seemed to fill the void. 

Inevitably word spread and this new information made it all the way to my third-grade teacher, Marianne. One day, when she and I were alone in our classroom, she stopped erasing the chalkboard and confronted me.

“So, Lil, I didn’t know you had a sister on Broadway.” 

I sighed as though I was asked this all the time. “Oh yeah. I just don’t talk about it a lot.” 

“Huh. That’s really cool. How come I’ve never seen her around?”

“Well, with eight shows a week, she’s just so busy. We don’t really see her that much anymore.” 

Marianne walked to the other side of her desk to face me directly. “Why is her last name different than yours?” 

She thought she’d stumped me and for a second she did too, but somehow I whipped something out. “She thought that fill in my last name here wasn’t a good stage name, and Egan had a better ring to it.” She let it go and went back to erasing. 

Not bad for an eight-year-old.

Obviously, she knew I was full of shit, and she was close with my mom so if there was any sliver of doubt in her mind I’m sure it would have been confirmed with a brief inquiry from Marianne. 

In fifth grade, we were assigned an individual project where we had to create a 12-month calendar. Each month featured 1,000 words on a different President. I felt that this was absurd - at the end of the day, so did all of the parents - and I simply didn’t do it. We had months to work on this and I avoided almost all of our deadlines by lying to my teacher, Maria, and my mom. I was able to do this by adding small, but specific details to my lies. This is how to make it convincing. It’s a tough balance because if you add too many, it’s obvious. 

This “skill” of mine carried over into high school, covering up the usual shenanigans, and I eventually became so good at it that I decided to get a degree in it i.e. a BFA in Theater, which seemed like a good idea at the time but if anyone is considering this, don’t. All of this to say, it is possible to write the fake review that your friends deserve. I was clearly not capable of this in 2012, thirteen years later, I think I’d do a better job by doing these essential things:

• Use a small smattering of specific details.

• Keep it concise. No one wants to hear your life story.

• Add something negative. It doesn’t have to be earth-shattering but it’s in our nature to nitpick. 

• Don’t lay it on too thick. 

So, here’s my pitiful attempt at a rewrite:

***

The Reiki Table

Five Stars

Highly recommend! As someone who has never quite understood reiki, I’m glad I gave it a shot with Nickol at The Reiki Table. I’ve been trying to relieve some of my stress and anxiety and Nickol’s calming energy helped a lot. 

I don’t love driving over to the west side and the parking wasn’t ideal but it was worth it. Once I entered the space I was put at ease. Everything was clean and quiet, the eucalyptus essential oil she used smelled great, and I left feeling more peaceful than I have in a long time. 

Nickol is the perfect person to introduce someone new to reiki. Any skepticism I came in with was gone by the end. I was worried I was going to fall asleep but I ended up being simultaneously relaxed and alert. 

Her prices are incredible for what she is offering. I will definitely be back.

This young woman knows what she's doing. (JUST KIDDING. I’m not keeping that part.) 

***

Not bad for someone who has never been there and still doesn't really know what reiki is.

Two out of five stars for old Lil. 

See you next Tuesday.